I have been staring at this blank page for hours on end trying to find the courage to talk about one of the worst things I’ve ever been through. I’ve been saying for months I wanted to write a blog post about this but it has been much harder than I anticipated so bare with me.
Tuesday, October 15 was National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and I shared on my Instagram that I am 1/4 women who experienced a loss. It happened 10 months ago, on Christmas of all days and I remember it like it was yesterday.
I woke up on Christmas way too early (because kids) and I was so excited because Christmas is one of my favorite holidays. Liv was older this year and I couldn’t wait to see her experience all the joys Christmas offers. Then it started. It was around 9am and I had figured I just got my period, well I was very very wrong. Without going into too much detail, it got worse and worse very rapidly. I consulted with a family friend who is a nurse and she agreed with us that it sounded like a miscarriage. I miscarried at home with my husband by my side the whole time and my daughter playing and laughing in the next room. Since it was Christmas I refused to go to the hospital because I didn’t want to ruin anything. I saw my doctor on Tuesday after the holidays and she confirmed what we had already known. She thought I was about 6 weeks pregnant at the time but we will never truly know since I never knew I was pregnant.
At first it hit us like a ton of bricks. I could feel the sadness filling up my body and the heartache creeping into my bones. No matter how many times I was told that the miscarriage was not my fault, I couldn’t escape a sense of self-blame. I have a bicornuate uterus (heart shaped) which raises your risks of having a miscarriage and delivering your baby early. So of course I blamed myself and I still find it hard not to. I couldn’t shake the feeling that somehow it was my fault that I miscarried. I carried that guilt for a long time even though the doctors and my husband told me I hadn’t done anything wrong. I try to remind myself every day that God has a plan for all of us and it just wasn’t the right time for us to have a baby. I will not lose my faith and I pray when the time is right we will have another healthy baby.
The truth is nobody really thinks about miscarriages until it’s happening to you or someone you know. If you do know someone who had a miscarriage, nobody really knows what to say. In all honesty just be supportive and understanding. I didn’t have much support because we decided not to tell many people, but it is still so important. It’s crucial to talk about your situation, no matter how hard it is. The worst thing you can do is try to move on and pretend like it never happened. You lost someone, a human being, a life, so honor them and talk about them. Remind moms AND dads they are not alone. Remind them it’s okay to be sad. Remind them it wasn’t their fault. Most importantly if you know someone who had a miscarriage, check up on them. Even if it’s months or years later, I promise you they still think about their loss daily.
At the end of the day every parent is different and we are all going to deal with our loss in different ways. What’s important is to remember we are all still human, we are all still grieving, and we are all still hurting. So be kind to each other, be understanding and just be present. ❤️
If you have concerns or questions about
miscarriage, here is a helpline 1-800-672-2296